Anxious Relationship Rushing: Why Pausing Is Sexy

In anxious attachment, we race forward into relationship commitment, we leap before we look, and in avoidant attachment we push commitment aside, neither looking nor leaping. Either way we are making painful, self-harming choices in an attempt to feel in control, in an attempt to source safety outside of ourselves, and the results can be so super painful.

Of course the irony is that when you’re in relationships you’re not actually actively choosing, when you’re racing ahead and skipping steps and chapters… things don’t actually work out because you’re not choosing for you, you’re choosing from fear.

It makes so much sense that when your attachment system is geared towards safety as something external of course you’re going to jump to gettin it!

This the importance of all the tools we talk about here on Feminist Wellness is that we learn how to slow our roll. To not jump from having a single date to telling the story that we’re in love with this person, to pause before we start planning our picket fence relationship life with them before we even know them, to pause to check in with our bodies and our minds, our spirits, our inner children and our inner parent to see if we really want to be with this person, or if we really want to be with any person.

While of course we all show up as the best version of ourselves at first, when there are red flags in the beginning of the relationship, pay attention! Get curious.

The beauty now is that I choose me first, and when you choose yourself, truly choose yourself over others, you stop trying to save or fix others because the fixer story goes that if I can save them, they’ll love me.

As you cultivate patience, you will learn to hear your own heart more and more. You can learn how to shift from that grasping anxiety into the peaceful ease of creating deep internal intimacy.

Impatience and rushing are about forcing your agenda and trying to control the world vs just being present in it. And my love, there is so much to learn from going slowly. From letting things be.

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Victoria Albina, NP, MPH

Victoria Albina, NP, MPH

Victoria Albina, NP, MPH is a certified life coach, breathwork facilitator, holistic Nurse Practitioner and host of the podcast Feminist Wellness.