Are You Being Nice Or Kind: How Authenticity Is Kindness

Nice is about pleasing others, and it comes from our conditioning, to placate others, to look good in the world and be well thought of, which is rooted in codependently caring more about what others think of you than what you think of you.

Because when we are nice for the sake of it we are not acting from our realness, from our truth, and we continue to train our brains to put Nice above taking care of ourselves, nice above our boundaries, nice above feeling good about ourselves.

Niceness leaves no space for individuality, for truth-telling, for real self-love for you or others because niceness expects us to behave, think and and feel in certain ways that often don’t align with our true needs and desires.

  • It’s not kind to be dishonest by people-pleasing.
  • It’s not kind to be dishonest by being codependent.
  • It’s not kind to be dishonest by putting others ahead of yourself and then resenting them for it.
  • It’s not kind to be dishonest by judging others instead of accepting them and making honest decisions about whether you want them in your life or not.
  • It’s not kind to be dishonest by staying in relationships with family, your parents, partners, friends, work colleagues when you don’t want to be.

Kindness is part and parcel of our Essential Human Task, a term from my teacher Armand Bytton, which is to live from our authenticity, to express ourselves as fully as we can in each moment.

Kindness is embodied. It is felt, it is somatic, it is grounded and grounding, genuine and real.

Being kind is a mindset, a way of being and moving through the world while being nice is a moment-to-moment choice to smile or be polite.

One of the hallmarks of being an externalizer is being really friggin mean to ourselves.

What I know for sure is that that voice is not the voice of loving kindness, it’s the voice of worry, fear and shame.

What does it feel like to receive acts of kindness?

When we live a life in which we chronically put ourselves out for others, put their needs ahead of our own, we do so because we secretly, or not so secretly, want other people to put themselves out for us.

Reciprocity and mutuality are beautiful things, and are the bedrock of healthy, interdependent relationships.

Notice when your unkind inner critic turns on and give that voice love and care.

Remember, we act from kindness because it’s who we are, not to try to gain anything, not with the goal of our kindness being reciprocated.



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Victoria Albina, NP, MPH

Victoria Albina, NP, MPH

Victoria Albina, NP, MPH is a certified life coach, breathwork facilitator, holistic Nurse Practitioner and host of the podcast Feminist Wellness.