Of Course You Did: A Tool To Stop Judging Yourself

We get into this thought habit where judgement is our go-to, it becomes the way we see the world.

  • It is safe for me to drop the judgement and to accept other people, just as they are.
  • I don’t have to condone their choices or approve of them. In fact, it’s not my business to even have an opinion about other people’s lives and choices!
  • I can accept that other humans will make the right choices for themselves. I don’t have to try to fix, manipulate, change or save them. That’s not my job.
  • My job is to love and accept them from my big open heart.

One of my favorite ways of shifting into acceptance with the people, places and things in our lives is using the tool “of course they did.”

You get to feel okay regardless of what other people say, think and do.

So to use “of course they did” what you start to do is to get facty on it, to state the facts in a neutral way, without adjectives, descriptors or judgement.

  • Of course he didn’t do the dishes when he said he would, that’s not new or normal or noteworthy, I don’t need to waste my energy by buffering with shock, surprise or annoyance (because that’s what judging is too, it’s buffering against the feelings you don’t want to acknowledge and feel).
  • Of course they forgot to call when they were running late, they generally don’t remember to do that, that is a fact of loving them.
  • Of course she didn’t put the toilet seat down after she peed, she generally doesn’t remember to do that, that is a fact of loving her.

We learn to drop the judgement, step into acceptance and get real about our own habits, survival skills and ways of being.

Then the real throwdown MMA-style battle begins as we judge ourselves for what we did and then extra judge ourselves for judging ourselves because we totally know we shouldn’t be judging and then we judge ourselves for shoulding on ourselves and it’s just friggin endless.

  • Of course I got defensive because defensiveness was modelled for me in childhood and I want to learn a different way.
  • Of course I raised my voice because I didn’t know how to bring somatic practices in to regulate my nervous system and I want to learn a different way.
  • Of course I was anxiously attached in that dating scenario and texted from that anxiety because I didn’t know how to be secure in myself yet and I want to learn a different way.
  • Of course I was avoidantly attached when I was dating them and didn’t return their texts for three days because I grew up with so much anxious attachment that connection feels suffocating, and I didn’t know how to be secure in myself yet and I want to learn a different way.

Start from self loving, compassionate understanding, from embodied curiosity, curiosity that truly just wants to know what is up, without judgement.

Judging yourself for it changes nothing.

We were doing the best we could with the skills we had, and judging us for our past mistakes, our recent eff ups does nothing to change the past, present or future.

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Victoria Albina, NP, MPH

Victoria Albina, NP, MPH

Victoria Albina, NP, MPH is a certified life coach, breathwork facilitator, holistic Nurse Practitioner and host of the podcast Feminist Wellness.