Saying What You Mean & Believing Other People

Failing ahead of time, failing on purpose until we get what we want.

This indecisiveness, this deferring to others can become your go-to stance.

One of the ways that I see this desire to attempt to keep everyone happy with us is in using language that acts as an emotional shield.

This is so brilliant in that it keeps you from feeling like you’ve made a decision and thereby, if the other person disagrees, you didn’t F up by being an adult human who knows themselves and what they want.

Because you think in the backest, most backest-est recesses of your mind, that this behavior, this way of responding will keep someone else from being mad at you.

Another favorite along this passive communication line is saying, “Hey, do you want to get going?” When you actually mean, “Hey, I want to get going. Do you want to come with me or do you want to find your own way there?”

When you’re not saying yes please or no thank you, when you’re not owning your own choice, but rather asking someone else to take that on for you.

Are you saying fine, sure, whatever you want, or turning the question around as a way to deflect and to attempt to protect your tenderest self from potentially saying the “wrong” thing?

We do that thing that is such a cornerstone of codependent thinking, taking things personally, making things about us, and making other people’s thoughts and feelings, both our fault and our problem, when in fact, they are neither.

For me, that started with learning to take other people at their literal word and to stop reading into what they were saying, which was certainly challenging at first.

Most important in both of these situations is that you get to choose to hear the literal words and believe them.

Your partner saying they want to go home doesn’t mean you have to or that you’re bad or wrong in any way at all for not wanting to leave with them or for wanting to leave before them.

Put a little hand on that tender heart and ask yourself, what do you really want?

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Victoria Albina, NP, MPH

Victoria Albina, NP, MPH

Victoria Albina, NP, MPH is a certified life coach, breathwork facilitator, holistic Nurse Practitioner and host of the podcast Feminist Wellness.